Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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