You don't have asthma, your pregnant
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
