i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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