dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
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