So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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