i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
