So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
