The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
