Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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