turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
