I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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