Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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