First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
