you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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