You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
