Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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