sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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