I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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