I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
