He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
can u get pink eye on your cock?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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