So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
