somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
