I wish my penis had an off switch
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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