Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
