The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
