I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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