I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I can't put those talents on a resume
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
