Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Randomize
