My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
