Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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