I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
