and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
