Don't make out with my wife yet
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
