If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
