im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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