my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
