we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
