I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
