textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
