I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
