Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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