Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
