Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
