I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
