If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
3 2 1 whiskey
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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