Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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