My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
