my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
