hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Randomize
