The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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