she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
We need a shit load of segways right now
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
