Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
